When you treat all people with equal respect – especially those who can’t do anything special for you – you accept what they are and appreciate what they may become. This type of respect is unselfish, sensitive, and a foundation for many other values and positive character traits.

Respect has a cornerstone, and it’s called self-respect. It’s easier to respect others if you first respect yourself. When you respect yourself, you don’t belittle yourself out loud or in your private thoughts. You take care of your mind and body, and you don’t use alcohol and drugs. You eat well, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. You don’t give in to sexual pressure. You do your best to stay physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy.

How to Disagree Respectfully

Being respectful toward other people doesn’t mean that you always have to agree with them. You can still speak your mind and stick up for yourself. It’s called being assertive. Suppose that your teacher repeatedly calls you "Brain Child" – a name you don’t like (even if it’s said in fun). 

You can use the ASSERT Formula to deal with the problem respectfully. Here’s how:

A stands for "Attention." Before you can work on a problem you’re having with another person, you first have to get the person to listen to you. Wait until after class. Then go up to our teacher and say "Excuse me, but may I speak to you about something that’s bothering me?" If the teacher is too busy to talk right then, ask if there’s a better time. "If you can’t talk now, how about tomorrow before school or after class?"

S stands for "Soon, Simple, Short." Don’t put off talking to your teacher. Do it as soon as you can – unless you’re too upset to talk. In that case, wait until you calm down. State the problem simply and briefly.

S stands for "Specific Behavior." Focus on the behavior of the person you’re having trouble with, not how you feel about the person. Even if you’re angry with your teacher, try to keep your angry feeling out of your voice and your body language. You might say "I really don’t like being called ‘Brain Child.’"

E stands for "Effect on Me." Help the person to understand the feelings and problems you’re experiencing as a result of his or her behavior. You might say "I know you probably mean it as a compliment, but it embarrasses me in front of the class. And lately, when I walk down the hall, other kids are calling me ‘Brain Child,’ too."

R stands for "Response." Wait for a response from the other person. In this case, your teacher might say "I wasn’t aware that being called ‘Brain Child’ bothered you" or "I’m sorry, I never meant to embarrass you."

T stands for "Terms." Suggest a solution to the problem. You might say "Would you be willing to stop calling me ‘Brain Child’? Or at least stop calling me that in front of other people?" It’s a reasonable request, and your teacher should agree to it. When that happens, say "Thanks. I appreciate being able to talk to you about this."

What if our teacher doesn’t agree to your request: Talk to your parents and your school counselor. You have the right to be treated respectfully, too.

Character Dilemmas

Suppose that …

1. Your mother stands in the doorway of your room and says "What a mess! I want you to clean this room right now." But you’re doing your homework and an important assignment is due tomorrow. You don’t have time to clean your room. What might you say to your mother that’s both assertive and respectful?

2. You’re walking through a park with a group of friends. Some of them are carrying cans of soda. One friend finishes her soda and tosses the can on the ground. What might you say? What might you do? How might you teach your friend to be more respectful of the environment?

3. You have an elderly neighbor who lives alone. You like to spend time in your backyard playing with friends or reading in the hammock. But whenever you’re outside, you neighbor starts talking to you over the fence. You’re not very interested in what she has to say, and sometimes you wish she’d just leave you alone. What are some respectful yet assertive things you might do and say?

4. You’ve recently made friends with a new student in your class whose family immigrated from Tibet. Your friend has asked you to have dinner with her family tonight. You don’t know anything about Tibetan customs. How can you be sure to behave respectfully at your friend’s home?

5. The leader of you youth group is getting married, and you’re invited to the wedding. It’s going to be a big Catholic wedding at a local basilica. You’re Jewish, and you’ve never been to a Catholic service or church before. How can you show the proper reverence in a house of worship that’s not of your faith?

6. You’re at a party at a friend’s house when someone brings out a case of beer. Everyone at the party is under the legal drinking age. You could probably drink a beer without your parents finding out about it. Will you? Why or why not? Does it matter to you what the law says? Does self-respect play any part in your decision?